never again

I have not attempted suicide again, but i called the suicide hotline. the conversation, as best as i can remember, is as follows.

"Hello?"

"Hi my name is katrina, i need help."

"What do you need help with dear?"

"Im afraid im gonna comitt suicide."

"Oh dear don't do that. God won't except you into heaven if you do that."

ok im usually fine with this stuff but i needed a terristrial reason to stay alive, "put me through to an athiest councilor please."
I waited a few minutes until another person said, "Katrina?"

"Yes. thats me."

"You sound a little younger than the usual caller Katrina, which tells me a lot."

"Like?"

"Well you tell me. Why would you go so far to kill yourself?"
so i tell her the story of alice, my late great friend. when i was done, she was sniffing.

"Kate," (by now she learned my nickname) "You are so lucky you have such good friends, let me tell you 99% of people would have probably gone through with killing themself if they had such a great oppurtunity as you did."

"that's great but how can i stop myself from ever doing it again?"

"Well let me tell you, there is no such thing as permanent problems, only temporary ones. Everything in this world changes."

"ALICE IS DEAD!!! THAT WON'T CHANGE!" i yelled over the phone.

"but your grief will katrina. Not that you'll ever stop missing her, but you'll come to accept the fact that she's gone, your grief will change. Remember suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

In that moment, i had an Epiphany. the reason why i keep seeing alice is because, for some reason, my mind cant come to terms with the fact that shes gone, so it fills her place in my mind by making me see or hear her. eventually my mind will accept the fact shes no longer there, and ill stop seeing her.

"you have decades to live kate, events to live through, places to see, new faces to meet. Why deny yourself of everything in your future that will bring you joy?"

I will always remember those words, and i swear to you all i will NEVER take my own life. I am in debt to all of you for the rest of my life, now that your kindness has saved it.

Alice: Immortalized

I tried to kill myself yesterday, i just lost it. Alice is dead. No one to turn to, parents no help, friends leaving me left and right, i grabbed a steak knife and brought it to my neck and thought au revoir. For some reason, three names ran through my head, Nell, Ashleigh. and Jack.

I dropped the knife.

This song is from the view of Alice's spirit.
(ch)
Hello. Do you remember me?
The friend who made you believe
In everything
That mpossible is nothing
Hello.... Hello....Hello?

Frightened soul you cry
Forgiveness has left with the tide
Alone.
Waiting on the shores
For life to grace you once more.....
And you call out to sea
Hello?
Can anyone hear me?
(ch)
Another day gone by
Tears still swell in your eyes
Hello?
I am still here
I am speaking to you can you not hear?
And you call, so meekly
Hello?
Where are you? I cannot see!
(ch)
Hello? Do you remember me?